"Odd Girl Out" or "One of a Kind"?

Dear Friends,
When I first posted this, I left out an important point.  It is now included in red print.  Thank you to my Facebook friend who reminded me of his own experiences and to Nance for her comment.

I imagine that most females in our culture have experienced the pain of exclusion.  Maybe we've been the "odd girl out" in a friendship trio; maybe we've been rejected by the Queen Bee and Wannabes; or maybe at some point in our lives, we've been outside the charmed circle of sorority or club membership, or that happy little group of women who lunch, shop, or play cards together.

If you haven't been the excluded one, you may be just a generation or two away.  The probability of being the "odd girl out" is high for our daughters and granddaughters.  The shifting sands of "best friends forever" and junior high and high school cliques may be a training ground for self-doubt in adulthood. That self-doubt may promote that same behavior of exclusion in ourselves and our children.

Probably most of us have been on the giving as well as the receiving end when it comes to exclusion.  In my mature years, I can now see where I have been guilty.  I congratulated myself on being open to friendship when I was a girl and actually described my "group" that way.  But the fact that we were a "group" has implications; there were girls I didn't know, girls I didn't make the effort to know.  The loss was mine.

There's another term that I like: "One of a Kind".  It implies, to me, the type of person who sets herself/himself apart.  It's an internal quality over which the individual has control.  You can make yourself "one of a kind" by paying attention to your own special gifts/interests/values and developing that part of yourself that is like no other.

"One of a Kind" is an insurance policy.  I believe it protects us from feeling "less than" because of someone else's determination that we are the odd girl out.  It transcends friendship because we are always centered in ourselves, but it can enrich friendships because it recognizes the unique qualities that we treasure about ourselves and others.

It is important for adults to guide young people in finding and developing that "one of a kind". Some young people are fortunate to have that special adult in a teacher, counselor, or older friend. When that isn't the case, some (rare) young people are able to nurture themselves; others can turn to bad substitutes.

We can ask ourselves the question, the next time we feel like an outsider:  Am I the odd girl out or one of a kind?  And whose decision is it?  Whose decision should it be?

Annie

My Suggestion for Oprah's Aging Beauties

I watched Oprah's program on beauty and aging last night and was very interested in what Teri Hatcher, Cybill Shepherd, and Linda Evans had to say.  (Okay, I was also interested in what Cybill and Linda look like now, since they are in their sixties.  But that's another subject.)

The focus was primarily on what happens when really beautiful women age and have to come to grips with their beauty fading.  Not having been beautiful at a young age nor when older, I can't really speak from their experience, but I did have my share of compliments and attention as a reasonably attractive woman and can offer my opinion on the subject.

Of course, there were background photos of these gorgeous women as they were and their own remarks about how they didn't really feel beautiful when they were younger.  I'm not saying that they (Cybill and Linda, specifically) weren't being truthful, but I wonder what they thought about the rest of us, if they didn't see themselves as beautiful.

But that's really not what this post is about.  All three women, plus Oprah, emphasized the importance of finding things to like about ourselves, to develop our inward beauty and grace, and to accept the inevitability of (our culture's concept) of physical beauty going away. 

I agree with them.  I also read somewhere that it's good for women to have beauty when we're young, brains when we're older and money when we're really old.  (I'm not sure that is the exact way it should be quoted.)  I agree with that, also. 

For those of us who don't have great reserves of beauty, brains, or money, I have another suggestion.  I would like to offer it to Teri, Cybill, and Linda.  I think that Oprah would agree that the best thing you can have as a hedge against loss of beauty, love, money, or even when you get so old your brains give out is ----- GIRLFRIENDS!

If you have girlfriends, they probably didn't choose you as a friend because you were beautiful, and they certainly won't care if your beauty fades.  They will be there when your looks go (but will keep telling you that you look great).  They will be there when your man is gone either because he's found another, probably younger woman or because, sadly, men tend to die earlier than women.  They will be there when your money is gone or it's not, because they will remember the fun you had when none of you had any.   They will be there when your brains aren't so sharp anymore -- they'll point you in the right direction and make sure you stay out of trouble.

It may well be that Teri, Cybill, and Linda have girlfriends.  I know that Oprah has Gayle, but I hope she has some other girlfriends, too.  It's my belief that you can't have too many girlfriends.  The subject didn't come up on the "Fading Beauties" show and I wondered why. 

I think that the rest of us, especially those who were never "great beauties" understand the value of our friends.  We wouldn't trade them for anything!

Annie

Friendship and Amalgamation Cake

I connect a certain cake recipe from the 1950's to my mother and her best friend, Nell.  You don't hear much about Amalgamation Cake these days, so I was elated to find the recipe on a couple of sites through a Google search.

My particular memory involves going home from school one day and finding Mother and Nell putting together the approximately 20 ingredients(including jam, raisins, coconut, and walnuts) to make the cake, and having the time of their lives.

Nell always brought extra spark and energy into our home and my mother was the main beneficiary.  Nell was a nurse and kept my mother, a homebody with five children, informed about what was going on around town.  They were both beautiful women; my mother was a natural beauty but I always thought Nell was particularly glamorous; she was tall and tanned and wore red lipstick and nail polish.  My mother was shy, but Nell was an extrovert who was unafraid to express her opinion. I suspect that many considered her brash and unrefined, but I doubt that Nell spent any time worrying about what other people thought.

It's interesting that I connect Amalgamation Cake to my mother's friendship with Nell.  The word "amalgamation" means combining or blending and that's exactly what happened.  Mother and Nell enjoyed a friendship that bridged their differences and concentrated on things that they could enjoy doing together, such as baking cakes.  They were like Lucy and Ethel in some ways, always "cooking something up" that was different or fun.

Today, it's more difficult to forge friendships like Lucy's and Ethel's or Mother's and Nell's.  Maybe that's what I really yearn for, someone to bake an Amalgamation Cake with me.

Click here for a recipe for Amalgamation Cake.

Annie Joy

Annie and BFFs Weigh in on Public Restrooms

I have a group of BFFs who really are best friends forever and I doubt that anything can change that.  Some of us started first grade together in Miss Carroll's class at West School in 1952, others joined our group of friends later.  I use the term "group of friends" rather than clique, because we were more inclusive than exclusive.  I am thankful for that, because it gave me many more opportunities for friendship.

One of the things that we still enjoy is getting together every couple of years.  Sometimes it takes place in our hometown when something else is going on (I'm looking forward to a girlfriends reunion when I go home for a family reunion this summer).  Sometimes we visit each other where we've settled, and other times we go someplace else.  The number varies depending upon who can get away.

On a trip to Chicago a few years ago, we were in and out of many public restrooms and developed a running commentary of what we appreciated and what we really hated.  I should mention that there were four of us on that trip and, for the most part, we have a "southern" point of view on most things, having been raised in the mid-south. We are not cosmopolitan, we've lived in small towns most of our lives.  Alice is the exception; she lives in a large city and is a world traveler.  This seems to have made her more tolerant of restrooms, hotels, etc.  The rest of us are more persnickety, and I may be the most of all, if past behavior is an indicator.

I have always tried my best to avoid public restrooms.  I have gone for as long as eight hours, if I'm heading for home, or if I know a clean private (or hotel) restroom awaits me.  I know that this is bad for my bladder, but my bladder understands and has learned to accommodate me (as long as I head straight for the toilet upon arrival).  Early training for this happened at two camps I attended as a child, where the "accommodations" were communal latrines.

Back to Chicago -- we visited the Chicago Art Institute, the Navy Pier, the Chicago Public Library, saw The Blue Man Group, the Second City, "Menopause the Musical", took the architectural boat tour, as well as shopping and eating our way through the city.  This provided several opportunities for restroom use and observation.  The following are observations and recommendations, based not just on our trip, but upon years of experience, with and without children in tow:

• Clean restrooms are objects of beauty and gratitude for all women.  Most of us have been taught from an early age that really bad things lurk on every surface and we have passed this knowledge on to our children.  We don't necessarily trust that surfaces that look clean really are, but they help to calm our nerves.
• Puddles on countertops may be tolerated; puddles on floors won't.  We will open every stall door to find a dry floor; if we don't find one, our "on alert" bladders may have to wait.
• Toilet paper is expected, but not always present.  A supply of one's own is to be recommended.  Those who steal toilet paper should be sentenced to a term of catalog use in a dirty bathroom.
• We hate, hate, hate, toilet paper dispensers that are designed to not turn freely, so that you get one or two sheets at a time.  It is false economy because we will fight back by taking as much as we can.
• Off-center toilet seats often "lean" toward the dispenser.  This may be attributed to the stingy dispenser mentioned above and the necessity to lean towards it to get enough to wipe.
• Squatting is sometimes necessary if paper seats are unavailable; deep knee bends are recommended practice for young girls. 
• Never put your purse on the floor.  Hold it on your lap or in your teeth if you must.  Even if the floor appears clean, you don't know what's been there. 
• Taking a friend with you is always recommended.  There is safety in numbers; the friend can hold the door closed because you can't depend upon the lock working; the friend can hold your purse if there is no hook or shelf. 
• If there is a designated spot, leave a tip if you can.  And thank your lucky stars that you don't clean restrooms for strangers.  And appreciate those who do.

Okay, I may have forgotten a few items.  Maybe Connie, Alice or Emma will remind me.  Maybe you have some remarks, observations, or recommendations of your own.

Annie Joy

p.s.  We did see some beautiful ladies rooms in Chicago and I've seen some photographs of some on blogs I've visited.  I'm going to begin making photos for my own "Ladies Room Album of Honor".

Book Recommendation: Remarkable Creatures by Tracy Chevalier and Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos

In an earlier post, I listed some characteristics that draw me to certain books and both of the books I'm recommending today provide what I look for when I'm looking for that next "best book" for my own list.  They are both character driven, which sometimes means that I develop an almost personal relationship with the protagonist(s) and feel a sense of loss when I must leave the book to do something else, or when the book is over.  Both are about friendships between women, which immediately drew me to them.  I enjoy books about friendship, and have read countless stories about old friends who have known each other for years, or who are of the same age and experiencing the same issues and challenges.  Remarkable Creatures and Broken for You are about friendships between young and older women.  Both are wonderful stories about how common interests can bring two very different people together and how long-lasting relationships can be forged.  Friendships are precious, and I am reminded, through reading these two books, that the extra effort to look for friends who are not "just like me" is well worth it.

Remarkable Creatures by Tracy Chevalier is the story of Mary Anning and Elizabeth Philpot, both of whom lived during the first half of the 19th century, and their unusual friendship, based upon a common interest in fossils. Mary was a member of a poverty-stricken family who brought in money by using her gift of finding (and taking) fossils on the seashore. Elizabeth was of a more privileged class, but was dependent upon her brother, who inherited their father's estate when he died. She and her younger sister found themselves living at the same seaside town as Mary, and Elizabeth struck up a relationship with Mary, which eventually developed into a real friendship. Society didn't give much credence to Mary's ability and her status as a woman discounted even more her getting credit for her fossil finds. Her friendship with Elizabeth opened doors for her, and she finally gained some recognition for dinosaur remains that she uncovered. The friendship ultimately suffered because of Elizabeth's understanding of societal contraints, and Mary's refusal to accept her advice. This is a compelling story that brought me to a greater understanding of the value of friendships between women (especially women of different ages), and the progress we've made on our own behalf.

Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos is a beautiful story of  friendship between two women, one young and one older, both who are "broken" in different ways. Margaret Hughes, in her seventies, lives alone in a mansion filled with antiques, both inherited from her father. Wanda Schultz, in her twenties has come live with Margaret while she searches for her lost love. Both women hide painful pasts which have inflicted damage to their lives but events lead to redemption for Margaret and a new life for Wanda as a mosiac artist.  I was led to this book by Kallos by reading and enjoying her second novel, Sing Them Home.

You can find the titles mentioned above at your local library, as well as through Amazon, linked below.

Happy reading!
Annie Joy